My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
