Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better