Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better