24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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