I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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