He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?