i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure