Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.