Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?