Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
