I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab