She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
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It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
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Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.