in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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