theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Rumble strips road head = magical
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.