Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
