When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.