My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me