in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me