you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Where is the hickey?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.