He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday