do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party