Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.