Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING