I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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