I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Banned from zoo.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life