you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.