just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens