jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
