that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
