Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
