Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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