I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
