a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
