It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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