God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
