my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
