Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
