Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
