Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
