There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
try to milk me bitch
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
