Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
