Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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