I think my fart just growled at me.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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