Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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