Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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