I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
