It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
