My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
