Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
