remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
