the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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