The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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