dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
