It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
smell my finger.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
