Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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