I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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